


I Think I'll Miss You Forever

by midoriverte



Series: Your Ex-Lover is Dead [4]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hideweek, M/M, blackreaper!kaneki - Freeform, day 2: summer, day 6: rainy day, hideweek2016, some mentions of death and injury that happened in the series but not at all graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7888363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hideweek-Day 2: summer and Day 6: rainy day<br/>Hide had never imagined that, after getting Kaneki back, he would lose him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think I'll Miss You Forever

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it's okay that I'm adding a story to part of an existing series for Hideweek! I saw the prompts and got inspired to write some more for it.

It was the height of summer, when the heat of the day streamed in from the window even in the early morning, and rose in waves from the pavement and suffocated you if you let yourself think about it for too long. When the sun gave away to pounding, warm rain and then came back in an instant to cover the world in a bright haze.

Hide had never felt so cold.

He was losing him again. Maybe he had already lost him. He didn’t know. He had never imagined that he would find Kaneki (Haise, or whatever he wanted to call himself) and lose him again. He wanted to laugh. Of course his life would never go so easily.

He had thought that Haise had finally let him in, started trusting him after everything. He had even confessed to remembering some things about him.

And now… now he had suddenly stopped talking to him. Again.

He had gone on a CCG mission at the beginning of June and had never been the same since. Or maybe he had. Hide wouldn’t know. The only time they had spoken since was Haise telling him, in a cold, stiff voice over the phone, that it would be best if they didn’t see each other anymore.

He knew something was wrong, he _knew_ it. But he couldn’t talk to him and couldn’t help him. It wasn’t like he could just walk into the CCG, considering he was supposed to be dead. It would cause more of a stir than he was willing to deal with right now.

Though it wasn’t as though Hide hadn’t seriously considered it.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought of striding right into the CCG, taking Haise by the shoulders and shaking him.

He wanted to scream.

_Why am I never good enough for you?_

_Why am I never enough for you?_

He couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t stay in his apartment, pacing back and forth and wondering why Haise wouldn’t just talk to him.

Without thinking, he wrenched open his front door and set out to wherever his feet would take him.

Of course, over the course of his walk the faint white clouds that had been skidding across the sky all day turned angry and iron grey. The skies opened up and he got soaked. He tried to brave the storm for a block or so but gave up (not that it mattered anyway, he was already drenched). His frustration at boiling point, he dove into the nearest little shop.

He could have laughed. Or cried. He was pretty sure a choked little sobbing sound escaped his mouth, actually, considering the strange and frankly alarmed look the shopkeeper gave him.

It was the bookstore where he had found Kaneki again.

A part of him wanted to go back out into the rain. But a loud clap of thunder was a compelling argument to not go back out for now.

He moved to the back of the bookstore. He perused the bookshelves, more out of habit than a real desire to do so. He had instinctually moved to where Kaneki’s favourite books would be.

It occurred to Hide that he didn’t know which books he himself would want to read.

He didn’t know how long he stood there. He looked behind him vaguely when he heard the sound of the door opening softly, the sounding of the pounding rain suddenly much louder before the door swung closed again.

Hide dropped the book he was holding. In front of him was a very familiar man. His hair jet-black as it had been years ago. Wearing a dark suit that didn’t seem to fit him quite right.

The man closed his umbrella and looked up, his expression switching to pure shock as he locked eyes with Hide.

He looked almost frightened.

Hide didn’t give Haise Sasaki a chance to run (like he could tell he wanted to). He strode forward before he even had a chance to blink and seized the front of Haise’s suit jacket.

“Hide-!”

“ _You_ ,” Hide spat with more venom than even he knew he was capable of as the shopkeeper weakly cried “Gentlemen- please!”

“Where were you?” Hide demanded, enunciating every syllable deliberately.

“I can explain,” Haise was trying and failing to keep his voice impassive.

“How?” Hide’s hands gripped his jacket even tighter.

“Please,” Haise said, with a furtive glance at the shopkeeper. “Let’s not do this here…”

“I don’t care where we do this, but we’re doing it now.”

Haise gently grabbed Hide’s hands and forced him to let go of his jacket. He maintained his grip on Hide’s hands, holding them soothingly.

Hide wrenched his hands from Haise’s grip.

“Don’t,” Hide said.

“Hide…”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Hide said, his voice cracking. He didn’t even know what he was telling Haise not to do.

_Don’t touch me. Don’t act like nothing ever happened. Don’t leave me. Don’t-_

Haise looked pained. His stormy gray eyes were hidden behind large, round glasses. Hide hated that he was hurting him but in this moment he couldn’t bring himself to feel too sorry about it.

It was the first moment that, after everything, Hide realized a small part of him hated Kaneki Ken.

The thought of it terrified him.

“Hide,” Haise began, softer than before. “Please, I’ll talk to you. Right now. Just… somewhere else.”

Hide nodded numbly.

Haise reached, optimistically, for Hide’s hand. Hide noticed for the first time the red gloves Haise was wearing and wondered what on earth he could need those for in this heat. He kept his hand resolutely balled in a fist at his side, and Haise pulled back his own. Hide saw disappointment flit across Haise’s face for an instant, but then he was back to his forced impassiveness. His mouth a thin, taught line.

They stepped outside. The pavement was dark from the rain but the rain itself had slowed to a slight drizzle. The dark clouds moved slowly away to rain on some other part of the city, and the bright sun was already evaporating the water.

“A sun shower,” Haise commented, unnecessarily. He seemed to realize after he said it how inane his comment was, as Hide noticed a slight blush on his cheeks.

He tried not to grin. Haise was as endearingly awkward as ever.

“I mean… it’s still raining so…,” Haise hastily opened his umbrella and held it over the both of them.

“Romantic,” Hide said drily.

“Yeah, well…,” Haise mumbled. “Will you come with me? It’s a bit of a walk.”

“Mmm,” Hide replied.

The two walked side by side for a bit. Hide starting to sweat as the sun made the world unbearably hot.

“How are you wearing gloves in this heat?” Hide said, with a bit of a laugh.

Haise smiled grimly, “Bit of a long story.”

Hide didn’t bother to ask where they were going. Truth be told, as angry as he was at Haise now, he couldn’t help but just be happy to have him by his side. And, although he had made fun of it earlier, he did rather appreciate the romance of sharing an umbrella.

It was a long walk, and in the silence Hide felt his patience start to wear out.

“Haise-”

“Hold on, we’ll be there soon, I promise,” Haise’s every word was measured. Maybe it fooled other people, but Hide could tell from the start he was faking a sense of calm and strength that he did not have.

“You’ll probably recognize where we’re going soon enough,” Haise added, with a smile that did not reach his eyes.

Sure enough, they began to walk a well-worn route. Hide felt tears prick at his eyes, and fought to keep them from escaping as the park that they had gone to so many times when they were younger, the park that Hide himself had taken Kankeki to just this winter, came into view.

Haise watched Hide carefully. Hide didn’t trust himself to speak.

The park was still abandoned from the rain. Hide was grateful, as he thought two grown men playing in a park in broad daylight would raise more than a few eyebrows.

They walked towards the swings without either one telling the other that that was where they were planning on going.

They stood by the swing set awkwardly.

“Uh,” Haise said, suddenly looking nervous. “I can push you?”

“It’s still wet,” Hide said.

Haise put down his umbrella and hastily took off his jacket, laying it on the swing for him.

Hide couldn’t help but crack a smile at that one, “Well, aren’t you a gentleman.”

Haise smiled weakly in response and gestured at the swing.

Sitting down with a sigh, Hide felt Haise’s hands at his back. He pushed and Hide moved easily. He supposed Haise’s ghoul strength meant that Hide’s weight was nothing to him. He was certainly having a much easier time of it than Hide had when he had pushed him all those months ago.

At the time, Hide had just intended to make Haise relax and have fun for a change. He had a feeling that Haise’s intentions this time were a little different than his had been.

He figured it would be best to wait for Haise to speak. He was sure Haise was using this time to build up his courage (and avoid looking Hide in the eye while he did it).

“So,” Haise said after a moment. “I… the CCG went on a raid to capture the Tsukiyama family about a month ago.”

Hide didn’t say _I know_ , preferring not to let Haise know he had his own ways of accessing classified CCG information.

“I mean, I know I told you we’d be going on a mission and I might be busy for a while but, uh, that’s what we were doing.”

Hide didn’t respond, knowing that Haise still had things he wanted to say.

Haise stopped pushing the swing and let Hide slowly lose momentum before he muttered, “Shirazu died.”

“Oh my God,” Hide said. “Haise, I’m so sorry…”

He tried twisting around in his seat to… he didn’t know what he wanted to do. Hug him? At least to be able to look at him, offer him some sort of comfort. But Haise grabbed the chains of the swing and held them tight, indicating that he would prefer Hide not look at him right now. Reluctantly, Hide obeyed.

“Urie blames me for it.”

“That sounds like Urie,” Hide couldn’t keep himself from remarking.

Haise said nothing, though his grip on the chains tightened.

“…Do you want to talk about it?” Hide said, though he knew what the answer would be.

“Sorry, I just-,” his voice caught, and Hide nodded quickly.

“I was in a fight and I… lost my arm.”

Hide glanced up at Haise’s very present hands. Noticing Hide’s unspoken question, Haise said, “It grew back but it’s, uh, not pretty,” he said with a hollow laugh. “That’s why I’m wearing the gloves. I would get some pretty strange looks without them. Even at the CCG.”

“Are you okay?  That sounds… horrible, Haise,” Hide said.

“Yeah…” Haise mumbled. “But I’ve been through worse.”

There was nothing to say to that. It was certainly true.

“So, is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

“I haven’t-”

“Don’t lie!” snapped Hide. He hated to be angry at Haise, especially after just hearing that he had been through hell and back, but he was so sick of this. “All I ever got from you was a text telling me that you survived the raid, and then you ignored all my calls!” He laughed bitterly, “A text! And the only call I get is you telling me we shouldn’t talk anymore! How is _that_ ‘not avoiding me’?”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Haise said quietly.

“Yeah, well…” Hide trailed off.

“I didn’t,” Haise said, a pleading note in his voice. “I was only ever trying to protect you, even after I was taken by Aogiri I-,” he stopped himself.

“Wait, what did you just say?” Hide demanded. His heart was racing, he felt like he might be sick.

Haise took a deep, steadying breath.

“Hide, during the fight, I remembered…,” his voice almost a whisper. “I’d really rather not talk about why right now. Suffice it to say I was at my breaking point,” Hide could easily picture the twisted smile on his face at the words. He wished Haise would let him turn around to look at him.

“If you remembered, why didn’t you talk to me after?” Hide said in a low voice.

“I just wanted to protect you.”

“ _Protect me_?!” Hide shouted. And he finally managed to push himself up and out of the swing before Haise had a chance to hold him back down.

Hide whipped around to face Haise, fists clenched.

“Didn’t you think that maybe I’d rather be with you than just shut out?” Hide demanded.

“I didn’t know, I-”

“ _You didn’t know_?” Hide repeated. “After everything, I’ve stuck by your side. That’s all I’ve _ever_ wanted. I don’t care about the danger!”

“Well, I do!” Haise snapped, finally looking angry.

“ _Bullshit_!” Hide said.

“I care about you!”

“Then why do you always _do_ this to me?” It came out half a shout and half a sob. He hated that tears finally tracked down his face but he couldn’t make them stop.

Haise was wearing an expression akin to having been stabbed in the heart. He looked like he was trying to hold back tears of his own.

“After I got my memories back,” Haise said slowly. “I couldn’t face you, knowing what I’d done to you,” his eyes flicked briefly to the scar on Hide’s face, to his arm where the shirt concealed countless other scars from when Kaneki had torn into him.

“I don’t care about any of that,” Hide said. “I said before, I just want to be by your side.”

“If you had rejected me…”

“Never,” Hide said shortly. “How could you ever believe I would reject you?”

Haise refused to meet Hide’s eyes as he said, “I suppose because it’s what I would deserve.”

Hide shook his head, “You are literally impossible sometimes, you know?”

Haise laughed weakly at that and Hide said, “I don’t know what it will take to get it through your head that I will always love you no matter what, but if I have to spend the rest of my life proving it to you then so be it.”

It was immensely satisfying to see Haise’s face slowly go red until he eventually gave up and buried his face in his hands.

“Hide… I can’t believe that you can just say things like that,” he mumbled through his fingers.

“Aw, are you embarrassed because I said I love you?” Hide grinned for real for the first time that day.

“Hide!”

“Or that I want to always be with you?”

“Oh my God…”

Haise took his hands off his face and groaned when saw Hide’s slightly evil grin. He wrung his hands nervously as he said “I do love you too, I-I hope you know that. It’s just that… everything has been so hard.”

“I know,” Hide said gently. He moved forward to hug Haise and Haise caught him in his arms. Holding onto him tightly, Haise muttered, “I never really wanted my memories back. I didn’t want to remember being Kaneki Ken. But it might be worth it just to have my memories of you back.”

“And you say I say embarrassing things,” Hide mumbled into his shoulder.

Haise laughed gently. “I guess it’s just been hard to figure out where to go next. Being Haise was like a dream I created for myself, but it was time for me to wake up.” He paused and said, so quietly that Hide almost didn’t hear it, “I don’t know who I am.”

“You’re-”

“ _Please_ don’t say ‘you’re you,’” Haise said despairingly. “That doesn’t really help me when I don’t know who ‘you’ is.”

“That’s not what I was going to say!” Hide said defensively.

Haise was silent and Hide said, “I was _going_ to say, that you’re my best friend. No matter what happens or what you decide to call yourself. That will never change.”

“ _Hide_ …” Haise whined against Hide’s neck. Hide giggled a little as his breath tickled him, but quickly moved to pat him on the back consolingly as he realized he felt wetness on his neck from Haise crying.

Haise broke away after a moment, and he lifted his glasses off to rub at his eyes while saying “I’m sorry Hide, for everything. I don’t know where to go from here.”

“That’s what I’m here to help you with,” he said gently.

Haise nodded numbly.

“So, uh, not to make this awkward or anything, but what _do_ you want me to call you from now on?”

Haise considered it for a moment before saying slowly, “Right now I’m trying to hide that I’ve remembered everything. So I’m still going by Haise for now but…,” he paused. To Hide’s bemusement, he saw that Haise was actually going a little red.

“But?”

“Uh, only if you want to but, do you think that maybe… when we’re alone, you could call me Ken?”

Suddenly Hide’s face was very warm too.

“Uh, sure, I could do that,” his heart was about to beat right out of his chest. “ _Ken_ ,” he added with a smirk.

Haise… _Ken_ grinned sheepishly.

“So, uh,” Hide added. “Are you planning on us being alone together often then?”

“Well I mean,” he was blushing furiously still. “Things are always crazy at the CCG but… as often as we can?”

“I’d like that,” Hide said.

“In fact… if you’re not busy, you could come over tonight?”

Hide raised his eyebrows, “Well, you just get right to the point now don’t you? Not even going to buy me a drink first?”

Haise groaned, “Hide! That’s not what I meant!”

“Would you object to it?” Hide asked.

“N-no, I wouldn’t,” Haise cleared his throat awkwardly. “I suppose I should take you out on a proper date now, shouldn’t I?”

“Sounds good to me,” Hide said. Dark clouds had started to cover the sky again, and Hide felt the static in the air that surely meant a storm was coming.

Yet he couldn’t remember a time he had felt brighter as took Haise’s hand and said, “We might need to share an umbrella again, Ken.”

Haise looked pleased and embarrassed as opened the umbrella and held it open over them with his free hand. Looking around furtively, he bent down and pressed a quick kiss to Hide’s lips.

“So,” Hide said, as they walked away from the park and heavy drops of rain began to fall. “Why exactly did you bring me here?”

“Well, good memories,” Haise said with a grin. “And I seem to recall us promising each other that we would come back here together when it was warmer.”

Hide squeezed his hand and said, “We did say that, didn’t we?” He looked up at Haise and said,

“Thank you. For remembering.”


End file.
